


i’ll remember your eyes when you’re gone

by jacksmannequin



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Disabled Character, M/M, Mentions of Death, Road Trips, Terminal Illnesses, don’t let the tags scare you it’s more light-hearted than it seems, i mean i guess it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 23:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19187098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacksmannequin/pseuds/jacksmannequin
Summary: Ryan forces his boyfriend out of the house to take him on a road trip and see a bunch of snakes. It turns out to be a way more cathartic experience than they both thought it would be.





	i’ll remember your eyes when you’re gone

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by the movie the fundamentals of caring, and surrender the night by my chemical romance (title from that song too). just pretend they live somewhere close to north carolina because i wanted to include that place so much after nate bargatze’s last special lmao. there’s an endgame spoiler somewhere towards the end.

“Shane?”

Ryan gently shook his boyfriend’s shoulder, trying to wake him up. When no answer came, he shook it slightly harder. He knew he was a heavy sleeper, and it always took a lot of shaking and whispered words to wake him up, but he needed him awake.

“Shane!” he said, his voice a bit higher. He wasn’t sure why he was whispering — they lived alone, after all, and the walls weren’t _that_ thin. It still felt weird to yell. “Wake up, c’mon!”

Shane slowly blinked into consciousness and ended up staring at Ryan with a weirded out look in his eyes. Ryan grinned.

“What time is it?” he muttered, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. “God, it’s two in the fucking morning, what the fuck?”

“I know!” he exclaimed, that happy smile still on his face. “We’re going on a road trip. Get up!”

“Excuse me, what?” Shane kept looking at him, confused. “Where? How? How am I supposed to get up?”

“I don’t know, I’ll get you in the car somehow.” He rolled his eyes. “Get up, as in I’m gonna drag you out of bed. You just stay still.”

“I’m like one foot taller than you, but —”

“I _said_ I’m dragging you out of bed,” Ryan repeated, cutting him off. Shane still looked puzzled. “I’m gonna get you in the wheelchair like I do every day and drop you off in the car. Sound good?”

Shane shook his head. “I don’t wanna leave the house. What makes you think I wanna leave the house? And why the fuck at two in the morning?”

Ryan let out a heavy sigh as his boyfriend gave no signs of wanting to move. Of course, he couldn’t.

“Aren’t you tired of staying inside all day?” he asked, hoping Shane wouldn’t answer with one of his dry remarks like he always did. “You’ve only seen the hospital, that terrible park you go to once a month, and this house. Don’t you want to live?”

“People like me don’t live, Ryan.” He threw his head back on the pillow and stared in front of him, already knowing how the conversation was going to go. “I’m just waiting to die and get it over with.”

“You need to stop saying that,” Ryan whispered, settling on the bed next to his legs. He lowered his back and brought his hands to Shane’s face, placing his fingertips on his cheekbones. “You’re not waiting to die.”

“But I am.” His breath seemed to get heavier. “I don’t do shit. I can’t do shit. I don’t even get why you’re still wasting your time with me. You know I won’t be around for long.”

“I’m here because I love you, Shane,” he reminded him firmly, looking directly into his eyes. “I’ll be here until I can be here. You need to stop trying to drive me away. I’m aware of what’s gonna happen. I’m in this willingly.”

Shane stayed silent, unable to get any words out.

“Now, can we go?”

“But it’s two in the morning,” he said again, though his voice sounded weaker. Ryan knew he was convincing him. “What about all that stuff I have to take to stay alive? What if I have an attack on the road? Where the fuck are we even going? And why _now_?”

Ryan let him get it all out before answering. “I’ll bring your meds with you, I’ve mapped all the hospitals available on the road and I have phone numbers and shit written out for all of them, you’re not gonna have an attack because I have your meds, we’re going to North Carolina, and now because your mom is coming to check in on you in the morning and she would freak out.”

“ _She_ would freak out? I’m freaking out! What the fuck do we have to do in North Carolina?” Shane spoke all at once, an alarmed look on his face.

Ryan leaned in and shut him up by joining their lips together, and Shane soon melted into the kiss, closing his eyes. When Ryan pulled back, he looked more at ease.

“Sorry,” he muttered, visibly embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to panic.”

“It’s okay, baby.” Ryan left another kiss on his lips and lowered his hands, letting him go. “And we’re going to Wilmington.”

“Wilmington?” Shane’s eyes lit up in recognition. “You’re gonna — the snakes?”

“Right on.” He chuckled, happy to finally see some enthusiasm on his face. “That damn serpentarium you’re always going on about.”

“They have an alligator!” he whispered in excitement.

“I know,” Ryan whispered back, a smile appearing on his face. “It’s only six hours. We can be back tomorrow night at most. Unless you want to see other things.”

Shane hesitated. “You’re not gonna shut up until I agree to go, will you?”

“That’s right.”

“You’re a moron,” he complained, but he was smiling too. “Okay. Fuck. Fine. Guess we’re going.”

Ryan punched the air, and Shane rolled his eyes, but before he could say something sarcastic and dry about it, Ryan was already trying to get him out of bed.

“Ouch, be careful,” Shane lamented as he let him grab him by his arm and then his hips. He wanted to help him, but when half of your body is paralyzed, it’s hard to help. “Careful, Ryan.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just very excited,” he admitted in a small voice once he’d managed to get him on his wheelchair without any major hiccups. “I got everything in the car already.”

“Oh, so you just assumed I would say yes?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed as Shane followed him out of the house. “That’s exactly what I did.”

“Oh my god, I can’t stand you sometimes.”

“You’re deeply in love with me, but go off.”

“I’m not gonna answer that.”

 

***

 

“There, I texted your mom. She took it well, surprisingly.”

Shane rolled his eyes as stared at the road in front of them, while Ryan started the car again and pulled out of the gas station parking lot.

“Even she knows there’s no stopping you.”

“Or maybe, just maybe, she knows I’d die before I let anything happen to you.”

The way he said it was casual, but Shane felt his chest hurt all the same.

“That’s not worth it,” he muttered, avoiding his eyes. Luckily, Ryan was concentrated on driving and wasn’t looking at him anyway.

“If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m stopping again,” he shot back angrily, the grip of his hands on the steering wheel growing tighter. “Idiot.”

Shane swallowed, trying to keep things light. “That’s not nice.”

“You saying your life doesn’t matter isn’t nice either, but here we are.”

“I’m sorry,” he said eventually, his voice coming out low and embarrassed.

“It’s not me you need to apologize to,” Ryan replied just as quietly, finally glancing at him. The highway was mostly empty, and it was a straight line anyway. “Especially if you keep thinking it.”

“I just —” Shane sighed, trying to think. “I just don’t see what you see. When I die, then what? What’s left of me? Bones?”

“The memories.” He blinked, trying to exhale. “The fact I love you. That I loved you. That you were my favorite person in the world, at some point. How you changed me into a better version of me.”

Shane kept quiet, his boyfriend’s words hitting him like a brick wall that was almost leaving him breathless.

“You don’t see it, because you don’t let yourself evolve. You’re special, Shane. People are drawn to you, but you push them away. You could’ve done a lot. You still can. I don’t know how else to convince you.”

He paused before speaking again. “You have no idea how much you changed me. I was an asshole, and you put me in my place every time, until I finally learned my lesson. You’re strong as fuck and you don’t even notice it.”

“Won’t it hurt?” Shane finally commented, his words barely above a whisper. “When I’m not here anymore?”

“Sure it will.” He inhaled and tried to loosen up the grip of his fingers on the wheel. “It will hurt like a motherfucker. But at least I’ll remember I had you.”

“Like that quote,” he said, a smile appearing on his face despite himself. “Better to have loved? How was it?”

Ryan shook his head in fake annoyance, but he was smiling again too. “Better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all.”

Shane hummed softly. “I think I get it now.”

“Good riddance.”

“Hey, fuck you,” Shane retaliated. They both erupted in laughter, the sheer idiocy of what they were doing finally hitting them.

“I really woke you up at two in the morning to go to fucking North Carolina for some snakes,” Ryan let out, following it up with a wheeze. “And you said yes.”

“I really said yes,” Shane continued between the laughs, slightly bent forward as he did so. “We’re going to fucking _Wilmington_. Trip of a lifetime.”

“Shut up and put on some music,” Ryan said, still chuckling out of a mix of emotions he couldn’t even properly identify. He took out his phone and dumped it into his lap, already unlocked on his Spotify playlists. “You have three choices, and this is important, because if you choose the wrong one this relationship may take a nasty turn.”

“Huh.” Shane licked his lips and scrolled down the playlists with one finger without picking the phone up, not without any difficulties. “As in?”

“Choose between — indie anthems, 70s and 80s bangers, and the US charts.”

“I feel like one is out automatically.”

“Good, I’m glad you got to know me at least a little bit in two years,” Ryan said sarcastically, to which Shane snorted. “What’s it gonna be? Indie anthems or 80s masterpieces?”

“Your 80s playlist is just Queen and I only know like three songs, so I’m gonna go with indie anthems.”

“That’s great.” Ryan grinned. “The only one that would have gotten you in trouble was the charts. Get on it.”

“That was way too obvious, stop making shit easy for me,” Shane joked, but clicked on shuffle all the same. The first notes of _Mr. Brightside_ by The Killers started blasting through the speakers of the car. Shane’s head shot up in excitement. “You hear this? You hear it? This is my song!”

Ryan smiled. “I know.”

“It was only a kiss!” Shane screamed, already in his element, and Ryan sang the reprise, a feeling of warmth spreading in his chest as he drove.

 

***

 

“Ryan, can you stop the car?”

“Why?” Ryan immediately looked at him sideways, trying to pay attention to the road at the same time. “What’s wrong? Do you feel tired?”

“No.” Shane chuckled, earning a glare. “I wanna see the stars.”

He raised an eyebrow, but then as he glanced outside, he realized they were well into the countryside. The sky was clear, showing off a deep shade of blue typical of summer nights.

“Here?”

“Wherever you can park,” he replied quietly.

Ryan complied, happy that finally Shane seemed to appreciate the world around him, and as he struggled to get him out of the car, he couldn’t help but notice his eyes looked different.

“Do you want to like, lie down?”

Shane nodded. “If you can.”

It was somewhat complicated, but doable, and five minutes later, they found themselves lying down on the grass, somewhere in Tennessee at four in the morning. Shane looked at his boyfriend just as he was turning around on the side, and their eyes met.

“Didn’t you want to look at the stars?” he asked, raising a hand to get his hair out of his face.

“You’re prettier,” Shane muttered. He was trying to save every last feature of Ryan’s face in his mind and keep it stored away, just for him to see. “Thanks for this.”

“You deserve it,” Ryan whispered, moving closer to him as he lightly stroked his cheek with his fingertips. “It’s not even about the snakes. You deserve to experience the world.”

“You know how much I have left, Ry,” he said as his touch lulled him into a light trance. “I don’t have time to do it.”

“I convinced you too late.” Ryan hid his face in his arm, trying to find comfort in that shared touch. “I hope this makes up for it at least in part.”

“You’re the only thing that makes me feel like I have something to live for,” Shane admitted, closing his eyes. “And I’m just so fucking scared.”

“I’m with you,” Ryan said, raising his head and grabbing his hand to keep them in contact. “How was that dialogue? Until the end of the line?”

“Yeah.” Shane laughed briefly. “Are we Cap and Bucky?”

“Well, one of them dies, so —”

Shane cut him off with a light shove of his shoulders, which was as far as he could move, and then laughed again. “You fucking bitch.”

“You’re particularly vicious for someone who can’t move a muscle.”

Shane kept laughing, until he was full on wheezing, and Ryan joined him, until their chests hurt and their lungs were begging for help.

“I will miss you so much,” Ryan blurted out when they’d calmed down, touching his cheek with his hand spread open, while his thumb moved in small circles on his jawline. “You’re my fucking world.”

“What will you miss?” Shane breathed out, his heart beating faster in its cage. “Tell me.”

“I’ll miss your dry ass humour that only makes me laugh three times out of ten,” Ryan continued, making him chuckle. He moved closer to his face and kept touching his skin, lingering on his cheekbones. “I’ll miss your idiot remarks at seven in the fucking morning because you wake up even when it’s not needed, since you spend all day just harassing me.”

“What else?” Shane urged him on, the skin on skin contact between them calming him down.

“I’ll miss your shitty jokes, your quiet voice I can never fucking hear without standing right in front of you, every time you pretend to have attacks just to fuck with me, you fucking asshole — your face, this stupid beard that actually looks really good on you, fuck, your obsession with musicals and Chief Keef.”

Ryan brushed his lips against his. His breathing got marginally heavier.

“Your eyes, Shane. You have the prettiest fucking eyes I’ve ever seen on anyone. Your eyelashes are so delicate looking and their shape and cut are just so symmetrical and perfect, and they’re so expressive, and I could only dream of seeing any other eyes as breathtaking as yours. They’ll be the first thing I remember when you’re gone.”

A sob escaped from his lips as he spoke. Shane’s eyes got teary as he swallowed the lump that formed in his throat.

“I don’t want you to be gone,” Ryan whispered, his voice broken. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Ryan.” Shane’s eyelids fluttered shut. ”I’ll be with you. Always. Even when I’m not here.”

“I know,” he croaked, placing a soft kiss on his lips, which Shane returned. “I know.”

 

***

 

“Holy fuck, did you see that thing? It was fucking huge. Oh my God. Can I just say one thing?”

Ryan rolled his eyes, pushing his wheelchair out of the serpentarium to save on battery. “Go on. I know you’re dying to say it.”

“That shit was bigger than what Lil Nas X has in his pan—”

“No!” Ryan yelled, cutting him off. “I don’t wanna hear it. Nope. We’re leaving now.”

A man looked at them scandalized as Ryan pushed him away from that place as quickly as he could. Shane was bent over laughing, his wheezes loud enough to reach Ryan’s ears and also be deafening on them.

“If you only spoke as loudly as you laugh, maybe I wouldn’t have to ask you to repeat yourself three times per sentence,” Ryan grunted as they reached the car. “Fucking asshole.”

“Nah, nah. You’re amused. I know you wanna laugh. C’mon. Let it out.”

Ryan kept staring at him with a poker face. Shane stared back. It went on for a moment, until Ryan gave up and started laughing, going from a light chuckle to hysterical laughter over the course of five seconds.

“That’s what I’m talking about, let it out!”

“I can’t fucking stand you, Madej. Get in the fucking car.”

“Oh, yeah. Wait a second, I just gotta go ask God for a miracle real quick and then we can go.”

“Shut the fuck up, Shane!”

 

***

 

“Do you realize what the fuck you put my son through?”

“Well, I —”

“Thank you, Ryan, my God,” Shane’s mom yelled, welcoming him in her arms. Confused, Ryan hugged her back while Shane looked at the scene in front of him with an annoyed stare. “You got him out of the house. You legend.”

“I do what I can,” Ryan managed to let out. She stepped back and glared at her son.

“It took you twenty-four years, huh?”

Shane shrugged and offered her an innocent grin.

“Get out of my face before I put an out of order sign on those three muscles that are still working.”

 

***

 

Ryan sat on Shane’s bed, a melancholic and lost look in his eyes. He glanced at his phone, making sure the loop option on the song was turned on, and kept humming the _Mr. Brightside_ melody under his breath, keeping a hand on the sheets as he touched them slowly.

“Well? Are you still there?”

Shane’s voice snapped him back to reality and his eyes shot up, a grin immediately showing up on his lips when he saw his boyfriend appear in the doorway.

“Yeah, sorry. Just reminiscing. I’m coming.”

Shane nodded, looking confused, and turned around the wheelchair to get out of the room. Ryan took a deep breath, and after a last glance at the _Hot Fuss_ cover art, he got up and followed him.

They still had time.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/cryofthemartyrs) uwu


End file.
